Being politically correct is a lot like asking a girlfriend if you look good in an outfit and she says “yes.” You know she’s lying, I mean the zipper won’t even close. You know she wants to look better than you and you know that no one is above sabotage, or you constantly tell yourself that to make the fact everyones a little bit racist that you aren’t above sabotage seem normal. This is why I don’t ask women if I look good in clothing… duh, they will lie to your face. This is also why I don’t believe in being politically correct. Why would you want someone to waste your time speaking to you in euphemisms? Firstly, my time is precious so just say what you need to say. Secondly, nothing is more rude than someone saying something rude with nice words and a pleasant tone. Thirdly, and this is most important:

You being politically correct to my face, does not and will not make you politically correct behind my back, so lets cut the bullshit.

Some of my favorite gaffs:

– Paula Deen has used the “N-word.” Fucking duh! She’s an old white woman from the South, how that shocked or offended anyone is beyond me. If you watched her cooking show and ever didn’t have the thought, “I bet she says some crazy shit when she’s had too much white wine,” then you’re an idiot who apparently lives in a bubble or has never been to the South.

– Donald Sterling doesn’t want his sugar baby hanging out with black people. Hey it’s not him, it’s the rules of his social clique. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to be popular. #roughlife

– People who attempt to guess my ethnicity and rattle off about 20 different guesses before giving up and then looking really disappointed when I tell them I’m just black. I know society has told us all differently but I guess black women can be beautiful. Hey, who knew?

Normal_nameWhether you’re a celebrity or a regular Joe who just happens to put your foot in your mouth, don’t worry, I appreciate it. I appreciate this because I’m more concerned about people being real rather than people being right. I prefer talk to someone who makes an offensive remark during conversation than someone who calculates their every word. Very simply: Be authentic.

However, let us not forget the real advantage of a slip up in the offensive department: leverage. Did you think I was going soft telling people to just be themselves? Come on. Once you catch a person saying something unflattering, remember it and use that information to get what you want. It would be preferable to record it, just so you actually can use that information whenever you please but a good game face can go a long way.

3 Ways To Beat the Political Correctness Out of Someone:

  1. Get them drunk. Nothing brings out the racial slurs and deep dark secrets like alcohol.

  2. Ask them questions during sex. If you’re doing it right they’re in such a state of euphoria that they would say anything to continue doing what they’re doing. No time to think about filtering. I only advise this if you’re really good in bed and an excellent multitasker.

  3. Say something inappropriate first. Nothing makes a racist and/or sexist and/or homophobic person feel more comfortable than knowing that they aren’t alone.

 

These tactics are clearly for people you actually know and come into contact with often. It won’t work for your favorite celebrities. For example, if you’re dying to know Allison Williams’ stance on the Mexican community before you commit to buying the complete first season of “Girls” you’re screwed. But let’s be serious if you’re dying to know anything more about fucking Marnie, just end it now. Be any more boring for fucks sake.

Thanks so much!

xo Kyle